Saturday, May 19, 2012

219 Days Until I See If Ellen Degeneres Fits In My Christmas Stocking

A good mother always plans ahead.  She knows how many sippy cups she can fill before the milk runs dry, how many McNuggets she can fling to the back of her minivan before rushing to another drive through, and of course, how many shopping days she has until Christmas.


So in celebration of Christmas 2012 being (basically) right around the corner, here are some suggestions for how to let your mommy-friends know you have no freaking clue how to shop for a baby.

Hang with my daughter for the day after she has wiped out trying to walk in these and then we'll see just how "Heelarious" they really are.
Unless these are real diamonds intended to be cashed in for her college fund, please leave the blinged out paci for Baby Maxwell.  Love for pacifiers is totally monogamous, and I doubt this is "the one".

If you buy my kid even one book of  "1,000 Princess Stickers", I am totally doing this to your car.  And your private parts. 

OK!  OK!  I'll give some positive reinforcement.  If you buy any of these items, you get a gold star.

365 days a year, 6 diapers a day, 3 years in diapers.  You do the math (or, also buy me a calculator).

Six years of parenting and the only clothing I have ever needed to buy is PJs, but I get it.  You'd rather buy my daughter her first pageant dress and have it be used solely as dolly wardrobe than the Dora pajamas she'll wear until they need patches.

Not Uncle Buck, but Uncle Puck.  (And quick, before she thinks chicken fingers and mac'n'cheese make the world go 'round....)

But please.  While you're at it, don't forget Mom.  My... I mean HER... list includes:

And this.
And this, in an extra-large, please.

If you don't know why she needs this, you shouldn't be reading... anything.

And of course, this.  I know it's a tall order, but I feel like I need a little more of her... in my actual living room.

Now hurry up and get shopping.  You just lost a day.