Monday, August 27, 2012

Tom Cruise Is Up A Whole New Creek, And It Ain't Dawson's...

Would You Rather: Pacey or Dawson?

This was never a debate for me.  I’d take Joshua Jackson over James Van Der Beek faster than any dude in 1998 could’ve screamed “I Heart Katie Holmes”.  These days, I assume their screams are much less enthusiastic, outside of the Church of Scientology.

The Top Gun “Danger Zone” beach volleyball scene excluded, I have never been a huge Tom Cruise fan.  This is likely because when everyone else was talking about his (tiny) tightey-whiteys in Risky Business, my mother was trying to distract me by obsessing over his beautiful smile.  So by the time Tom jumped on Oprah’s couch shouting “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” about being madly in love, I couldn't have cared less.

I can’t argue the claims that Tom & Katie’s marriage seemed like a bit of a business transaction, but that doesn’t mean the relationship was loveless.  Still, Katie pulled the game off better than Bernie Madoff at the height of his ponzi scheme.  Everyone from the tabloids and news magazines to movie studios and fans bought in, investing in their story as it was represented, not as it really was.

Ironically, both Bernie and Katie ended up in jail.  Although, her’s was metaphorical, and she is the only one to have broken free.

News reports are harping on the timely and “modest” TomKat divorce settlement as proof that she wanted out more than she wanted coin, but let’s face the facts.  That had way more to do with their dream team drawn prenuptial agreement than selflessness from either party.  Plus, $400,000K a year in child support is hardly modest.

That said, TMZ is reporting that in addition to the $33,333.33 that Tom will pay Katie monthly, he must also cover Suri’s “expenses”- including (but certainly not limited to) medical, dental, insurance, education & extra-curricular activities.  So, that leaves the other 33K a month for food, fun, fashion and her favorite penis candy.  (Fab!)

In the end, Tom Cruise could spend all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can never, ever buy-- and that's love like it existed on Dawson’s Creek.